Instead of a sad update (like the past updates) I’m going to give a happy update.

I know in my last entry I said I hated myself, but I don’t anymore I think I was just mad at myself for being weak.

My life is wonderful right now for many reasons.

Reason 1:

This next week I am starting my summer internship at Festival Theatre. I am UBER excited about this. I am going to be acting in two shows “Barefoot On the Park” and “Moonlight and Magnolias.” I am also going to be teaching 4 weeks of dance classes. Who could ask for a better summer? I’m so excited to be acting and teaching dance at a small professional company and the best part getting paid for it! I can’t wait to get on stage since it’s been since December since I’ve been in a show. If anyone wants to come see the shows let me know and I can give you times and dates, but in general we open June 21 and close Aug 15.

Reason 2:

Greg. Plain and simple. This guy makes me the happiest person alive more than ever before. I know some of you know Greg and I have had our ups and downs, but yes we are back together and I love it! This time it’s just different in so many good ways. All I know is I am extremely glad to be with him and that’s all that matters!

Reason 3:

My future. For once in my life I’m not afraid of my future. I will be entering my last year of college in the fall and that excites me. At this point I don’t really know what my future holds and I’m ok with that, I like life being an adventure. If I go on with more school or go out into the real world, I feel I am ready for what ever is thrown my way. I feel like I have been thrown a lot of shit in my life (I think I’m right) and I know how to deal with the bad as well as the good.

Reason 4:

Lately I’ve been making small discoveries about myself and that excites me. I am a growing woman (metaphorically speaking b/c we all know I’m not getting taller). I feel like I am finally growing into the person I want to be and feel comfortable in my skin. I also believe by looking back on the people who have affected my life, I think they have helped mold me into who I am as well. If you are reading this you are probably one of those people.

There are so many more reasons I am happy right now, but these are the main ones and I can’t list them all b/c this post is long enough.

I hope everyone has a wonderful summer!

I hate myself

I haven't posted in a while. It seems like I only post at hard times. Well, this time is no different. You are warned.

I've broken down a lot lately. Most of the time it's late at night when my mind wanders. Now I don't think there is any harm in breaking down, but the past couple days have been really difficult. I know you probably don't want to hear my problems, so if this is true don't read the rest.

I'm not breaking down just because of one thing, its many things. I think way too much into things. I've been catching myself, questioning myself, second guessing myself about everything. I really wish that when you are born that along with your body comes the plan of your life; it would make it SO much easier.

I hate hurting. I hate that most of my life consists of pain. I hate it when I hurt; I hate it when others I love hurt and most of all I hate hurting others I love. I try not to but it somehow ends up happening.  I want to be a good person and I think for the most part I am. Not everyone is perfect. I am such a pleaser and i live to please others. You only get one life to live and I'm just trying to live mine to its potential, (whatever potential I have). No one really knows how long we have on this earth. It's weird, but for some reason I just feel like I don't have long. I don't know why but I feel like I'm one of those who are going to die at a fairly young age. It's a crazy thing to think about but I think about it ALL the time. I know growing up is hard and the situations don't get any easier. Life is rough and I have to deal with all the shit it gives. I never know when I'm making a right or wrong decision. I'm not afraid to fall or make a mistake because it's happened to me a lot. I guess I'm just tired of falling. I want to do something right for once. I am not satisfied with myself at all. I just want to feel better, some way, some how, but I don't know how to get there. Sure some things are going great in my life but other things just suck, and always will. I just wish all the good things could happen at the same time.

There are recent times where I feel so alone. I know I'm not because I do have friends and family all around me. It just feels like things have majorly shifted and maybe thats just me changing, i don't know. I don't know if I should crawl in a hole and isolate myself for a while a detach from everything and just start over or to latch onto people and have them help me. I'm really frustrated with myself and kinda in a slump. I can't seem to sleep or eat a normal times. I feel this emptiness inside me i've never felt before. And sometimes I will just cry for no reason. Maybe its just my hormones that are fucked up. I don't know.

I think this semester is going to be rough......

Why

Why does he only call or text me when he's drunk?

Why?

Is that how much he dosn't care!

And why do I think into things WAY to much?

Am I right? Or am I wrong?

Why won't he tell me what he REALLY feels or whats REALLY going on?

Why?

Why do i feel like I am letting myself get hurt, AGAIN?!

Why?

And why can't I sleep! This really upsets me b/c I LOVE my sleep!

GUR!!!!!!!!

Well it's a new year!

I have some major things to figure out in my life.

I have some new years resolutions that WILL happen this year.

I turn 21 soon (FEB 5th) that makes me happy!

Nice update, I know but I don't think people really read this b/c I rarley get comments and I think people have moved on.

I wish

I wish I knew how to tell you.........

I wish I could tell you........

I wish this wasn't so hard........